My concept of time has become severely altered. It has slowed down alarmingly. I checked this out and it is a phenomenon known as ‘Tachypsychia’. The causes of this range from trauma to depression, two things I have not had a shortage of. The result is that the passing of a few days can seem like weeks.
I was in absolutely horrendous discomfort today. It didn’t help that I had a dentist appointment; always guaranteed to make me feel powerless and icky. Later, I went to Edinburgh. I did a few things I had to do, and then planned to walk around a few shops but cut this short purely because the level of misery inside of me was creating a weird discomfort, both inside and out, whereby sitting still was difficult, and no matter what I did or said, I simply wanted the pain to end. I went to a coffee shop and read. I was pleased that the coffee shop was quiet. Every so often I struggled to hold back tears. Even the words on the pages of my book could not distract me from the enormous pain inside of me, a pain which demands my attention, but is so wicked that I have enormous resistance to it. A human being with a large support network would struggle with a feeling like this, a human being whose only ‘support network’ comprises a family who think I should be punished for having/showing feelings will walk through life in permanent pain. Only the survival instinct keeps me alive. I cry virtually every single day now, nothing in my reality spells hope to me. It is like being trapped inside a nightmare, but ironically, with the only reprieve being sleep.
After getting the bus home, I went into my flat and cried, once again. It was the closest I have got so far to a primal scream. The manner in which I let out my cries surpassed both a howl and a wail, and transcended to a shriek. A shriek of pure despair and grief. On and on it went for what seemed like hours, until I was utterly spent.
There is another facet to this overall picture which must be told and if someone whom has experienced this happens to read this post, they will relate to what I am about to describe.
When a human being reaches an extremely low point, a point of complete despair, things begin to happen in their external experience which contribute towards an overall ‘kick them when they’re down’ effect. Phone calls and e-mails will be mysteriously unanswered, sometime from people whom you do know, but even when dealing with individuals whom you’ve never met. People will cancel plans, promises will be forgotten, discarded or even denied. People will cut you off in queues, or walk directly in front of you, blocking your path, almost as if they haven’t seen you.
This lack of attunement towards another person’s pain in the individuals responsible for this kind of treatment points towards there being some dangerously unconscious individuals in our society, individuals who literally cannot perceive pure, raw suffering, even when it is right under their nose. Nobody seems to hear, or want to hear you, and I endeavored to create this blog only out of a frantic sense of desperation to create something in the world which proved I existed at all.
The experience is terrifying and isolating. Whilst I cannot claim to know exactly why the scenarios described above occur at precisely the point an individual is at their lowest ebb, it is only because I had hitherto become aware of these dynamics that I wasn’t shocked and surprised by them. I was hurt, baffled, saddened, disgusted and angry, but not surprised.
The deeper into this I get, the more confusing and intense the Tachypsychia becomes. Time is starting to lose all meaning to me. Events which took place little more than a year ago can seem like they took place an impossibly long time ago, whilst, to add even greater confusion, things which happened decades ago are as vivid to me as something which happened last week.